Where am I?

Once again, more chaos, more of not knowing what I want out of life, more of not knowing who my true friends are, more of not knowing who I can truly trust. More of not knowing where my passions lie. More not knowing who I am. This is supposed to happen to me, right? Doesn't everyone go through this in college? Because I'm totally fucked if I'm the only one.

Also, today is Halloween, which is only the best holiday ever! And for once I'm not being sarcastic- I freaking love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. I mean it's just beyond me how someone could love all the joy and warm-fuzzy feelings of Christmas (feelings which news flash- don't exist and are fake!) more than the gloom and doom of Halloween! Like I said, I must be pretty demented. But to me, Halloween gas always been more realistic, more of an accurate celebration of humanity than the goodness of Christmas. I mean, people aren't good all the time ergo, the joy of Christmas is a pathetic lie.

Anyways... I get on to the things that have actually made me happy lately. It's been a while since I've posted so I'll think back over the past couple of days.

1.) 70 degrees on Halloween! Hell yes! I'm so excited that all the little trick-or-treaters will actually have a pleasant experience this year!
2.) Getting all of my homework done for the weekend... has this ever happened?
3.) Having a great friend that until this year I didn't appreciate. Thank you John, for being one of the only people who has made me feel secure when I am with you. Thank you.
4.) My mom sending me pictures of my adorable little sister throughout the day. Mom, this really maintains my sanity, so thank you.
5.) Getting my boy craziness back! And man, is it in full swing!
6.) Finding a research project that I find truly fascinating! Yay for nerding out to the Bosnian War of 1992-1995.
7.) Letting go of the toxicity in my life. Finding my self-dignity again.
8.) Having a cute Halloween costume.
9.) Freaking Jim's Wings! DELICIOUS!
10.) Millie LeSage
11.) Jennifer Kitty LeSage
12.) John LeSage
13.) Courtney Lutton
14.) Brenna McNeil
15.) Max Daigle
16.) John Tiggemen
17.) Nice gay people
18.) It's Halloween and it's beautiful outside. How could I not be happy in this moment?

On Any Given Thursday.

Welp, it's been a while since I've gotten the chance to post. My life is utter chaos. Some say that there is beauty in chaos, but I beg to differ. It's actually beginning to make me think that I have some control issues because this whole not having any control over the events in my life thing is driving me batty. Basically, I've been doing a lot of school work, it's cold as balls and the people in my life generally suck... So I figure that it's time to start forcing myself to post again.

1.) My hair actually doing what I wanted it to do this morning!! Yay, my first "good-hair day" in like... forever.
2.) Delicious biscuits and gravy in the dining hall this morning
3.) Coming home to a warm dorm room. I am so fortunate to have a warm place to come home to.
4.) Vanilla wafers (why do so many of my posts gravitate towards the topic of food)
5.) Having a clear (at least I hope so) mind. And not letting him consume my thoughts any more.
6.) How passionate my biology professor is about plants. Well Dr. Angert, someone's gotta be!

Adventures in the slow lane.

1.) Eating a delicious breakfast in the AV
2.) The weather. Even though I HATE the cold there was something refreshing and beautiful about the rainy weather yesterday.
3.) Hanging out with John and all of the other cool guys I've met in the past couple of days.
4.) Having fun in the most simple sense. Just being who you are, down to the bone, with someone else who accepts it and loves it at the same time. Times like that are extremely limited and I was fortunate enough to experience it for about 8 hours last night :) Incredible.
5.) Candles. Blankets. And forts... and one hell of a fort it was!
6.) Horror movies. I am so demented.
7.) QDOBA!!!! haha!
8.) The startling (and rare) observation that I have had an incredible weekend.

Last Friday Night

1.) Having the best night of my college career! Wow, so this is why people enjoy college so much... I totally get it now!
2.) Singing cheesy estrogen-ridden songs with John at the top of our lungs for like three hours.
3.) D.P Doughs! The meaty!
4.) Meeting an amazing person. I hope something really beautiful develops our brief encounter. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I'm just excited for the ride.
5.) Feeling skinny and pretty all night. Feeling comfortable in my own skin. Accepting people's compliments rather than rejecting them is really as therapeutic as the experts say.
6.) Connecting with people that I would have never considered even talking to before. There are good people out there. Sometimes you just have to look in unconventional and unexpected places.
7.) Feeling taken care of. I miss the feeling of being important to someone.

Is Free

1.) This is probably the highlight of my past two months. Looking up from my homework due to the shocking realization that I am over you. I don't love you anymore. I don't like you anymore. I think you are a deplorable person and never want to see your face again. You are not who I thought you are and the demon that you have presented before me is not a creature that I want to accept into my life. Goodbye and good luck with your life's pursuits. I am going to enjoy life again because I am free of you. Ashley Lutton is free.
2.) Learning about how old people "do it". College is awesome.
3.) Finding (and loving) a new study place.
4.) Cute TA's
5.) Cute friends of friends
6.) Being open and talking to one of the kindest people I have met here in Fort Collins. Hopefully I will be able to call you a good friend one day.
7.) Texting my best friend all day long
8.) Getting my old (new to me!) Coach purse in the mail! Best $70 that I've spent in a long time. This joyous package also included a HILARIOUS card from my hilarious mother :D
9.) Knowing that I have options
10.) Not feeling so utterly hopeless
11.) Did I mention being free?! Liberation is sweet. Oh and fuck you. I can't believe that you had a grip on my for this long. What a waste.

... And Wednesday's Too.

Today was a rough one... it's days like this that truly test me as a person. It's days like these that force me to ask myself "how much can one person take?" I guess we shall find out. Hopefully this blog will help me from plunging into the abyss.

1.) My best friend Brenna McNeil. She has helped me in more ways than I could even talk about. She has had the uncanny ability to make me trust her at a time when trusting anybody is the last thing I'm about to let myself do.
2.) Fetal pig dissections. I know it sounds disgusting, morbid, etc. but it's just so damn interesting to dig through some pig guts
3.) Muddy Buddies- the ultimate study snack
4.) my ability to push through and try to attain something better, even though I'm barely scrapping by on my hands and knees. Maybe this kind of drive will get me somewhere one day... maybe not?
5.) Cosmo. Talk about a guilty pleasure. Well this guilty pleasure afforded me the only hour of relaxation that I've had in about.....? 6 weeks? Fuuuuccckkk.

Tuesday's Gray...

... Like the new color scheme of my blog! Do you like the new layout? Haha this is awkward because I'm talking to myself- no one actually reads this! But, hey that's the beauty of it I suppose :) Anyways, today I started to feel pretty shitty and down on myself, but something happened (something quite specific actually- see #8) and I was instantly perked up.

On to the list!

1.) Waking up past my alarm and still getting ready in time.
2.) Walking to class with Colleen and listening to her advice on how to study for calc. I barely know this girl. It was so kind of her to try to help me out.
3.) A delicious salad for lunch. You heard me. I just used the words "delicious" and "salad" in the same sentence. Yes, this salad was just that fantastic.
4.) Getting finished with my chem. lab (my least favorite 3 hours of the week) and hour early!
5.) Envoi by Absynthe Minded
6.) Riding down Pitkin on my way to class. I always marvel at the bright blue, cloudless sky in contrast with the yellowing trees. The sight is simply brilliant.
7.) Actually understanding chemistry (knock on wood)!
8.) Randomly running into someone I met once and then proceeding to have an excellent conversation with said person. Hopefully this can bloom into a friendship :)
9.) Revamping my blog. How fun!

Checking In...

This past month has really put me to the test. Prior to this point in my life, I had never known what it is like to lose someone you are close to, someone you love, someone who carries a integral piece of yourself inside of them. I have really learned a lot about personal strength, personal frailty and overcoming it all so that you are still standing alive in the end. One of the critical things that I think has helped me to not plunge into the abyss has been my constant monitoring of the simple and beautiful things that I have to be thankful for in life. Even though things are hard, I do feel as if I am growing as a person and at the end of this whole mess I will turn out to be a better person- "a Phoenix rises from the ashes"

1.) Autumn. Probably the best season, ever. I find myself entranced daily by the beauty of October.
2.) Taking time to myself and by that I mean driving around aimlessly, jamming out to Nirvana.
2.) My health. I am so fortunate to have a capable and strong body.
3.) Kitty! I really like having something to take care of, and he's super cute!
4.) My family. I would be so lost without them. They are my home and my heart.
5.) This incredible opportunity called college. Even though I feel as if I'm not in a total capacity to understand just how amazing the college experience can be (due to my circumstances) I do realize that this is a absolutely incredible, once in a life time experience. I need to embrace it, cherish it and take advantage of it.