I Feel Fat Again.

Welp. There it goes. I finally was starting to feel good about my appearance, but that's out the window. I feel fat again :/ my mom even pointed out how it looks like I've gained a couple of pounds. Why is it that I (can most women) can never be happy with their looks. Something always dissatisfies us. Anyways, I've had good days and bad days and I'm trying to find a way to channel in on the good stuff.

I'm starting to really stress about the upcoming semester too.

Lasagna

Today is better! I'm starting to feel good again. I can honestly say that I attribute a lot of my progress lately to my exploration of Buddhism- learning to let go of my past and my stresses about the future to live in the moment. At the same time, I'm learning to be a good person again. I want to be someone that people can depend on and trust. I want to literally do good for other people's lives. This will require me to be more generous, honest and positive. I need to completely change my view on the world, and how I occupy my place in the world. I need to forgive, move on, and love again. Every moment that I have is a beautiful miracle. I need to be more aware of that.

My mother and I have made progress from the fight we go into yesterday. I think she's going to let me explore who I truly am, more freely. On the same note, I'm going to work on offering my help more freely to her. Hopefully this will make us both happier and create a stronger sense of unity within our family.

No such progress on my Dad. I'm working on letting go of my anger and (for lack of a better word) hatred for him. To harbor these feelings is not healthy, so I need to let go. I need to let go of a lot of the people who have hurt me in the past (an also the people who I have hurt). Everything is fleeting. I need to recognize that.

Boy Meets World plays on MTV2 now :) finally, something actually worthwhile on that horrible channel.

I started reading The Hunger Games last night. So far it's pretty great and it gets raving reviews from everyone I ask about it. Another thing I would like to do is to begin reading for pleasure again. I used to find so much joy in reading, but I've seemed to have lost that quality of my character over the past year or so. Hopefully I'm just out of the habit, and not disconnected from the activity all together. 

I had some delicious lasagna last night. Great food truly is a form of art.

Even though I've been surrounded with conflict lately (both internally and externally), I can't help but be happy and immensely grateful for what I have in my life. Things are great. Life is beautiful. I am healthy, fulfilled, have a wonderful and supportive family (for the most part) and some close and very dear friends. I have a warm bed to sleep in at night, a working vehicle, a job, and the acquisition of basic resources such as food and water has never been questionable to be. I feel safe. I am not abused. I am truly blessed. And while I may be scarred and wounded, bleeding out pain, frustration, anxiety and confusion, I am blessed.

I'm starting an internal revolution. Get ready. Cover your eyes and hold my hand.

Is it really only Thursday?

Another crappy day. More people telling me how horrible I am. Being reminded of other people who think I'm horrible.

I'm giving up. Letting go. Letting it ride. No more expectations for myself or for others.

Maybe then I can live happily and peacefully.

You know what else I've been thinking a lot about today? How quickly things can change. Permanence is a complete fallacy. You can wake up feeling good, ready to take on a productive day and with one look, one comment, one conversation, one little mishap, things can change completely. It's amazing how fleeting any one emotion can be.

The hopeful spin to this is that those bad feelings are also impermanent. The storm will indeed pass- and soon.

I think I need to start living in the now. I need to recognize that every moment is a miracle, every moment beautiful and unique. Even the bad moments are all of these things. But the crux of it all is that no matter what the feeling, it and all it's magnificence, it's beauty, it's uniqueness is fleeting, and will end. Observing and truly living in the moment is the only way to achieve any sort of inner peace and happiness. Dwelling on the past or trying to foresee the future will only bring pain and anxiety.

Be mindful and generous. That's my message for today.

Some Deep Phrase that only Hipsters Could Appreciate n

How do you react when you find out that there are people out there that think you are a deplorable person? How do you react when you find out that the person you used to love thinks you are "mean" and "emotionally abusive"?

My friends and my family tell me that I am not these things. That they are wrong about me. That I am construing this in the wrong way. But I can help but feel like I've been cut, deep. It's startling to find out that you have been leading a live that is not honorable, or moral but rather callous and cruel.

I wish I were different. I wish I could live beautifully and kindly in the moment. But for me, it's not that simple. People have been telling me my whole life that I am too harsh, terse and heartless. It takes me a conscious effort to be kind to people, to be nonjudgemental, to be open, to be gentle, to be giving. 

I absolutely hate this about myself. 

I hate that I make the people that once loved me so fully, despise me so passionately. It truly makes me wonder how I even managed to captivate their love in the first place. 

I have the sinking realization that for this reason, I will never be able to depend on love in my life. I will eventually push it away, and leave myself drowning in the rubble of sorrow and broken flesh. I truely don't even want to smile at people anymore. 

It is futile. 

I will die sad and alone.

This is a dark place.  

Inspirations

I found yet another source of inspiration that will hopefully let me figure out my life a little bit! I'm so stoked about it! We'll see though, it may lose its allure very quickly.
I'm making my name change very official today! YAY!! This seems to be perfect timing.
So I guess I'll get on with my list. Sorry it's been so long. November was hard. Shit, every month seems to be hard :/

1.) Baby Millie :) I never knew I could love someone  like this
2.) Name change!
3.) Feeling strangely liberated despite the depressing situations that surround my life.
4.) Being home. Nothing better
5.) Meeting up with old friends from high school
6.) My mother. What a godsend.
7.) The bright sun shinning down on me. In November.
8.) Sticks
9.) Being content.

Hump Day

Today is snowed. A lot. And then by 1:00 it was sunny. If you live in Colorado, you gotta learn to embrace bipolar climatic changes.

1.) Falling asleep last night watching the gentle, almost whispering snowfall.
2.) Waking up this morning realizing that I deserve better than you. And I deserved better than you.
3.) Having a talented and generous mother to help me with my pathetic excuse for a CV.
4.) Working out for the first time in too long.
5.) Doing good to my body (for the most part). It feels good to treat myself well.
6.) My newly decorated room. I needed a bit of a change of scenery!
7.) Yet another extension. Thank you Dr. Krafcheik!
8.) Networking.
9.) Actually feeling the motion in my life beginning to spin again.
10.) Motivation to claw myself out of this hole.

Where am I?

Once again, more chaos, more of not knowing what I want out of life, more of not knowing who my true friends are, more of not knowing who I can truly trust. More of not knowing where my passions lie. More not knowing who I am. This is supposed to happen to me, right? Doesn't everyone go through this in college? Because I'm totally fucked if I'm the only one.

Also, today is Halloween, which is only the best holiday ever! And for once I'm not being sarcastic- I freaking love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. I mean it's just beyond me how someone could love all the joy and warm-fuzzy feelings of Christmas (feelings which news flash- don't exist and are fake!) more than the gloom and doom of Halloween! Like I said, I must be pretty demented. But to me, Halloween gas always been more realistic, more of an accurate celebration of humanity than the goodness of Christmas. I mean, people aren't good all the time ergo, the joy of Christmas is a pathetic lie.

Anyways... I get on to the things that have actually made me happy lately. It's been a while since I've posted so I'll think back over the past couple of days.

1.) 70 degrees on Halloween! Hell yes! I'm so excited that all the little trick-or-treaters will actually have a pleasant experience this year!
2.) Getting all of my homework done for the weekend... has this ever happened?
3.) Having a great friend that until this year I didn't appreciate. Thank you John, for being one of the only people who has made me feel secure when I am with you. Thank you.
4.) My mom sending me pictures of my adorable little sister throughout the day. Mom, this really maintains my sanity, so thank you.
5.) Getting my boy craziness back! And man, is it in full swing!
6.) Finding a research project that I find truly fascinating! Yay for nerding out to the Bosnian War of 1992-1995.
7.) Letting go of the toxicity in my life. Finding my self-dignity again.
8.) Having a cute Halloween costume.
9.) Freaking Jim's Wings! DELICIOUS!
10.) Millie LeSage
11.) Jennifer Kitty LeSage
12.) John LeSage
13.) Courtney Lutton
14.) Brenna McNeil
15.) Max Daigle
16.) John Tiggemen
17.) Nice gay people
18.) It's Halloween and it's beautiful outside. How could I not be happy in this moment?