Lasagna

Today is better! I'm starting to feel good again. I can honestly say that I attribute a lot of my progress lately to my exploration of Buddhism- learning to let go of my past and my stresses about the future to live in the moment. At the same time, I'm learning to be a good person again. I want to be someone that people can depend on and trust. I want to literally do good for other people's lives. This will require me to be more generous, honest and positive. I need to completely change my view on the world, and how I occupy my place in the world. I need to forgive, move on, and love again. Every moment that I have is a beautiful miracle. I need to be more aware of that.

My mother and I have made progress from the fight we go into yesterday. I think she's going to let me explore who I truly am, more freely. On the same note, I'm going to work on offering my help more freely to her. Hopefully this will make us both happier and create a stronger sense of unity within our family.

No such progress on my Dad. I'm working on letting go of my anger and (for lack of a better word) hatred for him. To harbor these feelings is not healthy, so I need to let go. I need to let go of a lot of the people who have hurt me in the past (an also the people who I have hurt). Everything is fleeting. I need to recognize that.

Boy Meets World plays on MTV2 now :) finally, something actually worthwhile on that horrible channel.

I started reading The Hunger Games last night. So far it's pretty great and it gets raving reviews from everyone I ask about it. Another thing I would like to do is to begin reading for pleasure again. I used to find so much joy in reading, but I've seemed to have lost that quality of my character over the past year or so. Hopefully I'm just out of the habit, and not disconnected from the activity all together. 

I had some delicious lasagna last night. Great food truly is a form of art.

Even though I've been surrounded with conflict lately (both internally and externally), I can't help but be happy and immensely grateful for what I have in my life. Things are great. Life is beautiful. I am healthy, fulfilled, have a wonderful and supportive family (for the most part) and some close and very dear friends. I have a warm bed to sleep in at night, a working vehicle, a job, and the acquisition of basic resources such as food and water has never been questionable to be. I feel safe. I am not abused. I am truly blessed. And while I may be scarred and wounded, bleeding out pain, frustration, anxiety and confusion, I am blessed.

I'm starting an internal revolution. Get ready. Cover your eyes and hold my hand.

Is it really only Thursday?

Another crappy day. More people telling me how horrible I am. Being reminded of other people who think I'm horrible.

I'm giving up. Letting go. Letting it ride. No more expectations for myself or for others.

Maybe then I can live happily and peacefully.

You know what else I've been thinking a lot about today? How quickly things can change. Permanence is a complete fallacy. You can wake up feeling good, ready to take on a productive day and with one look, one comment, one conversation, one little mishap, things can change completely. It's amazing how fleeting any one emotion can be.

The hopeful spin to this is that those bad feelings are also impermanent. The storm will indeed pass- and soon.

I think I need to start living in the now. I need to recognize that every moment is a miracle, every moment beautiful and unique. Even the bad moments are all of these things. But the crux of it all is that no matter what the feeling, it and all it's magnificence, it's beauty, it's uniqueness is fleeting, and will end. Observing and truly living in the moment is the only way to achieve any sort of inner peace and happiness. Dwelling on the past or trying to foresee the future will only bring pain and anxiety.

Be mindful and generous. That's my message for today.

Some Deep Phrase that only Hipsters Could Appreciate n

How do you react when you find out that there are people out there that think you are a deplorable person? How do you react when you find out that the person you used to love thinks you are "mean" and "emotionally abusive"?

My friends and my family tell me that I am not these things. That they are wrong about me. That I am construing this in the wrong way. But I can help but feel like I've been cut, deep. It's startling to find out that you have been leading a live that is not honorable, or moral but rather callous and cruel.

I wish I were different. I wish I could live beautifully and kindly in the moment. But for me, it's not that simple. People have been telling me my whole life that I am too harsh, terse and heartless. It takes me a conscious effort to be kind to people, to be nonjudgemental, to be open, to be gentle, to be giving. 

I absolutely hate this about myself. 

I hate that I make the people that once loved me so fully, despise me so passionately. It truly makes me wonder how I even managed to captivate their love in the first place. 

I have the sinking realization that for this reason, I will never be able to depend on love in my life. I will eventually push it away, and leave myself drowning in the rubble of sorrow and broken flesh. I truely don't even want to smile at people anymore. 

It is futile. 

I will die sad and alone.

This is a dark place.  

Inspirations

I found yet another source of inspiration that will hopefully let me figure out my life a little bit! I'm so stoked about it! We'll see though, it may lose its allure very quickly.
I'm making my name change very official today! YAY!! This seems to be perfect timing.
So I guess I'll get on with my list. Sorry it's been so long. November was hard. Shit, every month seems to be hard :/

1.) Baby Millie :) I never knew I could love someone  like this
2.) Name change!
3.) Feeling strangely liberated despite the depressing situations that surround my life.
4.) Being home. Nothing better
5.) Meeting up with old friends from high school
6.) My mother. What a godsend.
7.) The bright sun shinning down on me. In November.
8.) Sticks
9.) Being content.

Hump Day

Today is snowed. A lot. And then by 1:00 it was sunny. If you live in Colorado, you gotta learn to embrace bipolar climatic changes.

1.) Falling asleep last night watching the gentle, almost whispering snowfall.
2.) Waking up this morning realizing that I deserve better than you. And I deserved better than you.
3.) Having a talented and generous mother to help me with my pathetic excuse for a CV.
4.) Working out for the first time in too long.
5.) Doing good to my body (for the most part). It feels good to treat myself well.
6.) My newly decorated room. I needed a bit of a change of scenery!
7.) Yet another extension. Thank you Dr. Krafcheik!
8.) Networking.
9.) Actually feeling the motion in my life beginning to spin again.
10.) Motivation to claw myself out of this hole.

Where am I?

Once again, more chaos, more of not knowing what I want out of life, more of not knowing who my true friends are, more of not knowing who I can truly trust. More of not knowing where my passions lie. More not knowing who I am. This is supposed to happen to me, right? Doesn't everyone go through this in college? Because I'm totally fucked if I'm the only one.

Also, today is Halloween, which is only the best holiday ever! And for once I'm not being sarcastic- I freaking love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday. I mean it's just beyond me how someone could love all the joy and warm-fuzzy feelings of Christmas (feelings which news flash- don't exist and are fake!) more than the gloom and doom of Halloween! Like I said, I must be pretty demented. But to me, Halloween gas always been more realistic, more of an accurate celebration of humanity than the goodness of Christmas. I mean, people aren't good all the time ergo, the joy of Christmas is a pathetic lie.

Anyways... I get on to the things that have actually made me happy lately. It's been a while since I've posted so I'll think back over the past couple of days.

1.) 70 degrees on Halloween! Hell yes! I'm so excited that all the little trick-or-treaters will actually have a pleasant experience this year!
2.) Getting all of my homework done for the weekend... has this ever happened?
3.) Having a great friend that until this year I didn't appreciate. Thank you John, for being one of the only people who has made me feel secure when I am with you. Thank you.
4.) My mom sending me pictures of my adorable little sister throughout the day. Mom, this really maintains my sanity, so thank you.
5.) Getting my boy craziness back! And man, is it in full swing!
6.) Finding a research project that I find truly fascinating! Yay for nerding out to the Bosnian War of 1992-1995.
7.) Letting go of the toxicity in my life. Finding my self-dignity again.
8.) Having a cute Halloween costume.
9.) Freaking Jim's Wings! DELICIOUS!
10.) Millie LeSage
11.) Jennifer Kitty LeSage
12.) John LeSage
13.) Courtney Lutton
14.) Brenna McNeil
15.) Max Daigle
16.) John Tiggemen
17.) Nice gay people
18.) It's Halloween and it's beautiful outside. How could I not be happy in this moment?

On Any Given Thursday.

Welp, it's been a while since I've gotten the chance to post. My life is utter chaos. Some say that there is beauty in chaos, but I beg to differ. It's actually beginning to make me think that I have some control issues because this whole not having any control over the events in my life thing is driving me batty. Basically, I've been doing a lot of school work, it's cold as balls and the people in my life generally suck... So I figure that it's time to start forcing myself to post again.

1.) My hair actually doing what I wanted it to do this morning!! Yay, my first "good-hair day" in like... forever.
2.) Delicious biscuits and gravy in the dining hall this morning
3.) Coming home to a warm dorm room. I am so fortunate to have a warm place to come home to.
4.) Vanilla wafers (why do so many of my posts gravitate towards the topic of food)
5.) Having a clear (at least I hope so) mind. And not letting him consume my thoughts any more.
6.) How passionate my biology professor is about plants. Well Dr. Angert, someone's gotta be!

Adventures in the slow lane.

1.) Eating a delicious breakfast in the AV
2.) The weather. Even though I HATE the cold there was something refreshing and beautiful about the rainy weather yesterday.
3.) Hanging out with John and all of the other cool guys I've met in the past couple of days.
4.) Having fun in the most simple sense. Just being who you are, down to the bone, with someone else who accepts it and loves it at the same time. Times like that are extremely limited and I was fortunate enough to experience it for about 8 hours last night :) Incredible.
5.) Candles. Blankets. And forts... and one hell of a fort it was!
6.) Horror movies. I am so demented.
7.) QDOBA!!!! haha!
8.) The startling (and rare) observation that I have had an incredible weekend.

Last Friday Night

1.) Having the best night of my college career! Wow, so this is why people enjoy college so much... I totally get it now!
2.) Singing cheesy estrogen-ridden songs with John at the top of our lungs for like three hours.
3.) D.P Doughs! The meaty!
4.) Meeting an amazing person. I hope something really beautiful develops our brief encounter. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. I'm just excited for the ride.
5.) Feeling skinny and pretty all night. Feeling comfortable in my own skin. Accepting people's compliments rather than rejecting them is really as therapeutic as the experts say.
6.) Connecting with people that I would have never considered even talking to before. There are good people out there. Sometimes you just have to look in unconventional and unexpected places.
7.) Feeling taken care of. I miss the feeling of being important to someone.

Is Free

1.) This is probably the highlight of my past two months. Looking up from my homework due to the shocking realization that I am over you. I don't love you anymore. I don't like you anymore. I think you are a deplorable person and never want to see your face again. You are not who I thought you are and the demon that you have presented before me is not a creature that I want to accept into my life. Goodbye and good luck with your life's pursuits. I am going to enjoy life again because I am free of you. Ashley Lutton is free.
2.) Learning about how old people "do it". College is awesome.
3.) Finding (and loving) a new study place.
4.) Cute TA's
5.) Cute friends of friends
6.) Being open and talking to one of the kindest people I have met here in Fort Collins. Hopefully I will be able to call you a good friend one day.
7.) Texting my best friend all day long
8.) Getting my old (new to me!) Coach purse in the mail! Best $70 that I've spent in a long time. This joyous package also included a HILARIOUS card from my hilarious mother :D
9.) Knowing that I have options
10.) Not feeling so utterly hopeless
11.) Did I mention being free?! Liberation is sweet. Oh and fuck you. I can't believe that you had a grip on my for this long. What a waste.

... And Wednesday's Too.

Today was a rough one... it's days like this that truly test me as a person. It's days like these that force me to ask myself "how much can one person take?" I guess we shall find out. Hopefully this blog will help me from plunging into the abyss.

1.) My best friend Brenna McNeil. She has helped me in more ways than I could even talk about. She has had the uncanny ability to make me trust her at a time when trusting anybody is the last thing I'm about to let myself do.
2.) Fetal pig dissections. I know it sounds disgusting, morbid, etc. but it's just so damn interesting to dig through some pig guts
3.) Muddy Buddies- the ultimate study snack
4.) my ability to push through and try to attain something better, even though I'm barely scrapping by on my hands and knees. Maybe this kind of drive will get me somewhere one day... maybe not?
5.) Cosmo. Talk about a guilty pleasure. Well this guilty pleasure afforded me the only hour of relaxation that I've had in about.....? 6 weeks? Fuuuuccckkk.

Tuesday's Gray...

... Like the new color scheme of my blog! Do you like the new layout? Haha this is awkward because I'm talking to myself- no one actually reads this! But, hey that's the beauty of it I suppose :) Anyways, today I started to feel pretty shitty and down on myself, but something happened (something quite specific actually- see #8) and I was instantly perked up.

On to the list!

1.) Waking up past my alarm and still getting ready in time.
2.) Walking to class with Colleen and listening to her advice on how to study for calc. I barely know this girl. It was so kind of her to try to help me out.
3.) A delicious salad for lunch. You heard me. I just used the words "delicious" and "salad" in the same sentence. Yes, this salad was just that fantastic.
4.) Getting finished with my chem. lab (my least favorite 3 hours of the week) and hour early!
5.) Envoi by Absynthe Minded
6.) Riding down Pitkin on my way to class. I always marvel at the bright blue, cloudless sky in contrast with the yellowing trees. The sight is simply brilliant.
7.) Actually understanding chemistry (knock on wood)!
8.) Randomly running into someone I met once and then proceeding to have an excellent conversation with said person. Hopefully this can bloom into a friendship :)
9.) Revamping my blog. How fun!

Checking In...

This past month has really put me to the test. Prior to this point in my life, I had never known what it is like to lose someone you are close to, someone you love, someone who carries a integral piece of yourself inside of them. I have really learned a lot about personal strength, personal frailty and overcoming it all so that you are still standing alive in the end. One of the critical things that I think has helped me to not plunge into the abyss has been my constant monitoring of the simple and beautiful things that I have to be thankful for in life. Even though things are hard, I do feel as if I am growing as a person and at the end of this whole mess I will turn out to be a better person- "a Phoenix rises from the ashes"

1.) Autumn. Probably the best season, ever. I find myself entranced daily by the beauty of October.
2.) Taking time to myself and by that I mean driving around aimlessly, jamming out to Nirvana.
2.) My health. I am so fortunate to have a capable and strong body.
3.) Kitty! I really like having something to take care of, and he's super cute!
4.) My family. I would be so lost without them. They are my home and my heart.
5.) This incredible opportunity called college. Even though I feel as if I'm not in a total capacity to understand just how amazing the college experience can be (due to my circumstances) I do realize that this is a absolutely incredible, once in a life time experience. I need to embrace it, cherish it and take advantage of it.

It's been a long time since I've posted...

This has been an extremely tough week for me. Probably the hardest that I've had in my entire life. I feel like I need to see the positive things in my life more than ever. For my own sanity's sake.
1. My mother. What an incredible woman. She has been my rock throughout this entire ordeal. I would truly be lost and devastated without her.
2. Brenna. Another incredible person in my life. Thank you for being my best friend.
3. Moving in and starting my life. Even though I'm scared I'm so excited.
4. A great roommate!
5. A wonderful dorm room view.
6. Lucking out countlessly on an awesome parking space.
7. Setting up my room exactly the way I want it.
8. Lucky bamboo.
9. Doing my own grocery shopping!
10. Who knew deleting someone on facebook could feel so good.
11. Did I mention my mother?
12. Yummy cookies.
13. Distractions.
14. Greek boys to help carry my crap for me.
15. The pure luck that I seemed to experience all day.
16. Red Lobster! Heyo!
17. My RA. She's so sweet!

Frenchies Arrive.

1. Finishing a good book.
2. Getting to finally hang out with William for more than five minutes and watching The Butterfly Effect
3. Getting a chance to talk to Laurine. I hope her stay will be amazing.
4. Hanging out with Brenna.
5. Vicki and I's favorite pizza! And lemonade!
6. Cougar Hunting. Lol.
7. A long talk, in the middle of the night with my best friend.

Happy Birthday, America.

It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to post due to the bustle of this past week. I've been busy with babysitting, tutoring myself in calculus (yikes!), seeing friends and this past weekend spent at the cabin for the fourth of July. Needless to say I cannot even remember what I did last week, let alone the various simple pleasures which bring me joy, thus I will simply recall what made me particularly happy on July 4th.

1. The special  breakfast my Mom makes. It's my absolute favorite!
2. Lounging around the cabin, doing nothing in particular.
3. Realizing the sheer beauty of Colorado and how lucky I am to call this place home on the ride back to the Springs.
4. Seeing my Sweet William, albeit for only a short period of time.
5. Playing all day with my Millie Bear. She loves nakie time!!
6. Eating bad for you food while enjoying the company of my quirky family.
7. Getting my bike fixed! Thanks John!
8. Anticipated excitement for the upcoming month of fun with friends and family.
9. Having some alone time.

I've been a little behind... Thursday, June 30th

1. Playing with Millie all morning. She had soooo much energy!
2. Seeing my Granny for the first time in months, even if it was bittersweet.
3. The rain
4. Buying more stuff for college while enjoying the excitement of starting my life
5. Helping Mom trim the hedges. I hope she knows how much I love and appreciate her.
6. George Clooney. Enough said.

It's almost the end of June...

1. Getting a lot done early in the morning, before the day really begins.
2. Courtney returning from God camp- she seems happier than before she left.
3. Carwash! I have desperately needed one for about a month now.
4. William's company at the carwash- he actually began vacuuming my car, without me even asking. I have the greatest boyfriend. Ever.
5. Another afternoon nap.
6. Chocolate cake and Superbad!

Cabin Weekend :)

Saturday
1. Seeing William! I'm so glad he came up to enjoy the weekend with us!
2. Taking a long hike
3. Hummingbirds! And butterflies!
4. My mid-day nap- it's been so long since I've had one of those
5. Whooping William's ass at Uno
6. Yummy salmon dinner, and seeing Shari again
7. Angry birds- soooo addicting

Sunday
1. Waking up next to my snoring, farting Sweet William
2. Cinnamon rolls! My mom always bakes them perfectly.
3. Jack Johnson on the ride home
4. Coming home to my Sticks
5. Buying dorm stuff!!! So exciting!
6. Finding the perfect dress to wear to Jenelle's wedding

Cabin Fever

1. Sleeping in for what seems to be the first time all summer
2. A walk with baby Millie and William on a gorgeous June day
3. Fat-free vanilla lattés from Starbucks
4. Millie's piggy-tails!
5. My MacBook pro- makes my life soooo much easier

First post! First post!

1. Having baby Amelia fall asleep in my arms. Always such a precious moment.
2. Cleaning the house. Even though the actual cleaning wasn't my idea of fun, I felt so accomplished once it was over.
3. William's visit just to say "hi" before work. I really couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.
4. Belated graduation cards from old friends. It feels nice to be thought of :)
5. The Barenaked Ladies, and Amelia's dance moves
6. A bath in a clean tub (see #2)
7. Having absolutely nothing to do. No deadlines to meet, no obligations to be kept.