Lasagna

Today is better! I'm starting to feel good again. I can honestly say that I attribute a lot of my progress lately to my exploration of Buddhism- learning to let go of my past and my stresses about the future to live in the moment. At the same time, I'm learning to be a good person again. I want to be someone that people can depend on and trust. I want to literally do good for other people's lives. This will require me to be more generous, honest and positive. I need to completely change my view on the world, and how I occupy my place in the world. I need to forgive, move on, and love again. Every moment that I have is a beautiful miracle. I need to be more aware of that.

My mother and I have made progress from the fight we go into yesterday. I think she's going to let me explore who I truly am, more freely. On the same note, I'm going to work on offering my help more freely to her. Hopefully this will make us both happier and create a stronger sense of unity within our family.

No such progress on my Dad. I'm working on letting go of my anger and (for lack of a better word) hatred for him. To harbor these feelings is not healthy, so I need to let go. I need to let go of a lot of the people who have hurt me in the past (an also the people who I have hurt). Everything is fleeting. I need to recognize that.

Boy Meets World plays on MTV2 now :) finally, something actually worthwhile on that horrible channel.

I started reading The Hunger Games last night. So far it's pretty great and it gets raving reviews from everyone I ask about it. Another thing I would like to do is to begin reading for pleasure again. I used to find so much joy in reading, but I've seemed to have lost that quality of my character over the past year or so. Hopefully I'm just out of the habit, and not disconnected from the activity all together. 

I had some delicious lasagna last night. Great food truly is a form of art.

Even though I've been surrounded with conflict lately (both internally and externally), I can't help but be happy and immensely grateful for what I have in my life. Things are great. Life is beautiful. I am healthy, fulfilled, have a wonderful and supportive family (for the most part) and some close and very dear friends. I have a warm bed to sleep in at night, a working vehicle, a job, and the acquisition of basic resources such as food and water has never been questionable to be. I feel safe. I am not abused. I am truly blessed. And while I may be scarred and wounded, bleeding out pain, frustration, anxiety and confusion, I am blessed.

I'm starting an internal revolution. Get ready. Cover your eyes and hold my hand.

Is it really only Thursday?

Another crappy day. More people telling me how horrible I am. Being reminded of other people who think I'm horrible.

I'm giving up. Letting go. Letting it ride. No more expectations for myself or for others.

Maybe then I can live happily and peacefully.

You know what else I've been thinking a lot about today? How quickly things can change. Permanence is a complete fallacy. You can wake up feeling good, ready to take on a productive day and with one look, one comment, one conversation, one little mishap, things can change completely. It's amazing how fleeting any one emotion can be.

The hopeful spin to this is that those bad feelings are also impermanent. The storm will indeed pass- and soon.

I think I need to start living in the now. I need to recognize that every moment is a miracle, every moment beautiful and unique. Even the bad moments are all of these things. But the crux of it all is that no matter what the feeling, it and all it's magnificence, it's beauty, it's uniqueness is fleeting, and will end. Observing and truly living in the moment is the only way to achieve any sort of inner peace and happiness. Dwelling on the past or trying to foresee the future will only bring pain and anxiety.

Be mindful and generous. That's my message for today.

Some Deep Phrase that only Hipsters Could Appreciate n

How do you react when you find out that there are people out there that think you are a deplorable person? How do you react when you find out that the person you used to love thinks you are "mean" and "emotionally abusive"?

My friends and my family tell me that I am not these things. That they are wrong about me. That I am construing this in the wrong way. But I can help but feel like I've been cut, deep. It's startling to find out that you have been leading a live that is not honorable, or moral but rather callous and cruel.

I wish I were different. I wish I could live beautifully and kindly in the moment. But for me, it's not that simple. People have been telling me my whole life that I am too harsh, terse and heartless. It takes me a conscious effort to be kind to people, to be nonjudgemental, to be open, to be gentle, to be giving. 

I absolutely hate this about myself. 

I hate that I make the people that once loved me so fully, despise me so passionately. It truly makes me wonder how I even managed to captivate their love in the first place. 

I have the sinking realization that for this reason, I will never be able to depend on love in my life. I will eventually push it away, and leave myself drowning in the rubble of sorrow and broken flesh. I truely don't even want to smile at people anymore. 

It is futile. 

I will die sad and alone.

This is a dark place.