Some Deep Phrase that only Hipsters Could Appreciate n

How do you react when you find out that there are people out there that think you are a deplorable person? How do you react when you find out that the person you used to love thinks you are "mean" and "emotionally abusive"?

My friends and my family tell me that I am not these things. That they are wrong about me. That I am construing this in the wrong way. But I can help but feel like I've been cut, deep. It's startling to find out that you have been leading a live that is not honorable, or moral but rather callous and cruel.

I wish I were different. I wish I could live beautifully and kindly in the moment. But for me, it's not that simple. People have been telling me my whole life that I am too harsh, terse and heartless. It takes me a conscious effort to be kind to people, to be nonjudgemental, to be open, to be gentle, to be giving. 

I absolutely hate this about myself. 

I hate that I make the people that once loved me so fully, despise me so passionately. It truly makes me wonder how I even managed to captivate their love in the first place. 

I have the sinking realization that for this reason, I will never be able to depend on love in my life. I will eventually push it away, and leave myself drowning in the rubble of sorrow and broken flesh. I truely don't even want to smile at people anymore. 

It is futile. 

I will die sad and alone.

This is a dark place.